Episode Transcript (beta)

Backing Off from Divorce

Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

Is your marriage in a downward spiral towards divorce? The decision is often emotional, but in this episode we'll give you three (3) gut-checks to help you determine your truly best path forward.


Speaker 0 00:00:04 Hello. We are the promise of love. Bringing to you the love effect, a podcast that brings you real insight and real stories about real relationships. Hey Speaker 1 00:00:16 Guys, Hey, if you're feeling instability in your marriage, if you're in a downward spiral towards divorce, take a good listen to this episode. What episode is that, honey? Well, we're going to talk about stepping back from the edge of divorce. Oh wow. That's good. That's real good. So get this. There gets to be a point where you're operating on pure emotion, and then you start to act like children and create chaos in your lives, but there's a better way. Really? How could you not be emotional at a time like that? And how could someone take a motion out of a divorce? Well, there are three gut checks for your divorce decision. What are they? Well, first of all, check, check your pride. And whenever I say, check your pride, I'm not saying check to see if you have pride. I'm saying check your pride at the door. Speaker 1 00:01:09 Because usually somebody did something on the way that trigger the divorce decision. If it's you that did something wrong, you kind of got to own up to it and admit, I did something wrong and you express your sincere apology for it, but this goes, it goes beyond the apology. It goes all the way to the point of taking steps to ensure that you will never do that thing again. Let's say for example, that I simply crave cheesecake, and it's something that you and I have agreed. We are not going to eat cheesecake in this marriage. Just not, not going to do it. And while you're at work, I come home early or maybe at lunchtime, I go out and go to the cheesecake factory and I have my indulgence of cheesecake I need. And then you find out that happens nicking off and having cheesecake. It's not just, it's not good enough for me to say, I'm sorry. I had cheesecake today and never going to happen again. Okay. Now I need to provide some sort of checks and balances, some accountability to ensure that I do not go out and get cheesecake. Speaker 1 00:02:30 It's a weakness. I have to admit it is a weakness. And I'm so glad we actually, we don't have this actual because she's kidding. She is. If I do have a weakness in an area, I'm going to be prone to go back then a way for me to truly show my remorse is to put things in place, such that I can remain accountable to you. Okay? That's checking the pride of the door and saying, look, I just, I was wrong. I was absolutely wrong. But then there's the other side to checking your pride. What is that? The other side is, if I am the one who was wronged, let's say we agreed Robin going to go out and eat cheesecake as an indulgence. That's off limits, but you find out, okay. And that moment you feel betrayed because I did something that we agreed that I was not going to do. Speaker 1 00:03:27 In this case, you were hurt. I turned around, I went behind your back. I lied to you. I might have even covered up my indulgence. And yet you found out and through that, you feel betrayed. You feel hurt. You feel as though you cannot trust me. But why is that? Well, yeah, part of it is because I've acted in an untrustworthy way, but as I come to you and I say, I did this, I was wrong. I'm repenting. And I am taking a steps to be accountable, to never do it again. You still feel hurt. Your heart has still been shattered because of my indulgence on cheesecake. Speaker 2 00:04:07 I get it. Speaker 1 00:04:08 So on your part, there also needs to be checking your pride at the door. You have to find a way to Speaker 2 00:04:16 Forgive. Yes, yes, yes you do. Speaker 1 00:04:19 I'm not trying to get out of my cheesecake indulgence. I'm not trying to put that on you at all, but really from both sides of this, it's going to take both of you checking your pride in the ways that we talked about to start stepping back from the divorce decision. If one or both of you are unable to check your pride and leave it behind, then you're going to have a very difficult time repairing your marriage. Speaker 2 00:04:44 So what is number two? Well, Speaker 1 00:04:46 Number two, number two would be checking your partner. Okay. Speaker 2 00:04:50 And then how do you do that? Speaker 1 00:04:51 Well, it's really checking your partner's heart. Checking your spouse's heart. Are they to a point where then they don't want to come back. They don't want to come back into the fold of your marriage. Now this happens very often. Whenever there's an affair involved, the danger of an affair is that there's this thing called infatuation. You may feel like someone stole your spouse, but to be honest, no one stole your spouse or anything. Really? I always thought this was a funny concept, especially back in high school or whatever. Oh, so-and-so stole my girlfriend really? And someone stole your girlfriend. She was never yours to begin with. Oh, you know, your spouse actually belongs to our father. Speaker 2 00:05:37 Yes he does. She knows. Yes. Yes. Speaker 1 00:05:40 And so saying that someone other humans stole them from you. Yeah. There's some things to kind of go back and review and ask what happened sometimes. What happened is someone outside of your marriage, give your spouse a little bit of attention that they were not getting at home. And that little bit of attention turns into an infatuation. That's misinterpreted as love, but it's not, it's not, it's just a fleeting feeling. And so they run off and they said, I'm going to get divorced. And I'm going to go with a person that I'm supposed to be with because I'm selling love Speaker 2 00:06:17 Right. Then when the flame burnt out. Speaker 1 00:06:23 Yes, we, uh, we talk about the, uh, various flames of love and the five steps to find true love. Of course. Yes we do. And whenever you are just burning with passion, but you don't have the other forms of love in the relationship. When that flame of passion burns out, you got nothing left. And then you're staring at someone that you really don't even like, you were passionate about them. You had an infatuation for them before, but the person behind that, you, you may have liked the attention that you were getting, but not like the person who was giving it. And you destroyed a marriage. Yeah. Because of infatuation because of a fleeting feeling. And a lot of times that's what happens. So whenever I say, check your partner. Yeah. It is seeing where your, where your spouse's heart is. Are they at a point where they can say, you know what, if I can put my pride aside, we could, if we could work through this, this is where I want to be. People often decide on divorce because they don't like where they are right now. And they think the only way forward is to get out of the marriage. But what if, what if, what if, what if you don't like where you are right now, but if you could go back to where you were when you were so in love. Exactly. So many times that'd be so much better Speaker 2 00:07:45 And starting all over again with somebody else. Oh my goodness. Grass is not greener on the other side is so many people think that it is, but then actually new to a new relationship with somebody that has, could quite possibly have worse issues in the spouse you were with. But tell you, honey. Speaker 1 00:08:04 Yeah. I cannot say where this quote came from, because that would be embarrassing. But the quote is the grass isn't greener. On the other side, the grass is greener where you water the lawn. That was beautiful. I just can't say where that came from. I'm not going to so check the heart of your partner, check the heart of your spouse. The other thing to consider is are you in covenant with someone who is not committed to the one who defined marriage to begin with worth it, because you could feel this strong tie to hold a marriage together because you are worshiping our father who has defined marriage as something that is so sacred, sacred, you are very covenant, but the person you're married to, they, you may feel like you're in covenant with them, but they just don't have commitment to the same ideals that you have. Speaker 1 00:08:58 If that's the case, this may not be a marriage that you can save. You might find yourself fighting for this on your own. However, if they do have that commitment, that common commitment that we have to our father, then there's definitely hope. And something that should be worked on it should be worked on. I'd take a look at these other things, check your pride, check each other's hearts, check your own heart and your spouse's heart for God. And if there is a willingness to work through things, yeah, yeah, try, go for it. It's going to be, so you create a stronger relationship. If you can work through these things, then you could ever find by going out and dating somebody. This is true, but it's going to be tough. It's going to be an uphill battle. And what's the third thing. The third thing. Check your purpose. Speaker 1 00:09:54 Okay. Enlighten me please. So whenever I say, check your purpose, ask yourself. Well, if you do get divorced, what would you do? Are you getting divorced? Just so you can meet someone new and exciting. You were in a tired, worn out relationship that is going to be more difficult to fix. And it seems easier to just go out and date and find someone new. You see people all the time, whether it be in movies and TV shows, maybe even in your social circles, around you, people are meeting people and getting excited about the new relationships. And you think, Hey, I want to do that too. If that's the purpose of getting divorced, you might want to rethink it. What would be your purpose of getting divorced? Is it to get out of a bad situation? Because I promise you the other side of divorce is not a pretty place either. Speaker 1 00:10:46 No, if you decide, Hey, I want to stick this out. I want to work on our marriage, ask yourself what will be your purpose? What will your marriage do together? How will your marriage witness the sanctity and the covenant of marriage to others? If you can work through this, how will you be that elevated couple as opposed to just, Oh yeah. We're where the couple didn't sign. The divorce papers. No. How will you represent the joy and love that is you? Can you bring that back to the surface and elevate that? Well, what will be your purpose? Why, why are you so the three gut checks our check, your pride at the door, check your partner. In other words, check their heart, check their commitment and three, check your purpose. So look, I get it. You get to a point where you just seem like there's nothing left buddy motion. And those emotions tear you down. Some people stay in a fallen marriage too long because they do not trust their own emotions. I know I did, but they don't want to make the same gut checks either. Speaker 2 00:11:57 And sometimes the decision isn't even up to you. Well, getting served with divorce papers, who it says a lot about your partner's heart and the committee is what it is. Speaker 1 00:12:10 Yeah. Yeah. There's not a whole lot. You can do whenever you get those divorce papers served to you because, um, one, they, your, your, your partner, your spouse has gotten to the point where their pride is in their emotions are overriding their logical decision, or maybe the not, maybe they have truly thought through this. Maybe they have gotten to the point of considering their purpose. And they do have another purpose that does not include you. And that hurts your own pride. It hurts your own emotions, right? And then on top of that, they kind of showing you their heart at the time as well. So that's why the serving of papers. I'm not saying that you cannot back off from that, but you have to be truly committed to that process and understand if things continue going. If your, if your spouse is unresponsive, they're perhaps not responding to you, but more so responding to, uh, the emotions that they have. Just try not to take it personally, because that's so tough to do, but there's more going on than you're seeing in that moment. Speaker 1 00:13:17 Now, even if you are served divorce papers, you can still apply gut check number three. Okay. What will your purpose be moving forward? How will this negative experience elevate you to a better place? Divorce does not have to define you. In fact, you have an opportunity to define or solidify yourself to find and fulfill your purpose. Now, the whole point of the five steps to find true love online course is to minimize or eliminate hopefully eliminate the threat of divorce in your relationship. Yes, this heartbreak is avoidable. We were not meant to be alone. That's right. And the hope and healing module is the perfect place to start after divorce or after a serious heartbreak. Speaker 2 00:14:07 So how about checkout? The hope dot steps to find true love.com. Go ahead. Speaker 1 00:14:15 So we do not, we do not encourage divorce, but we do recognize that God can use this bad situation in your life for good, but there is a chance to walk it back from divorce. You can walk your marriage back from that edge. Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect. Respectfully. We ask you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you'd really like some detailed guidance on habit, find and confirm true love. Come visit [email protected] That's www.stepstofindtruelove.com blessings to you.