Episode Transcript (beta)

Backing Off from Divorce, Part 2

Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

If you've decided to seek reconciliation to save your marriage from divorce, you're going to need to apply the tools we present in this episode. R.U.F. If you and your spouse can take this to heart, you two have a great chance at restoring your marriage and making it stronger too!


Speaker 1 00:00:14 So you decided to save your marriage from the voice. I applaud your courage, Speaker 2 00:00:20 But this is going to be rough. Really Speaker 1 00:00:22 Raw. How about being a little bit more encouraging here? No, I don't mean rough as in Speaker 2 00:00:27 Difficult. It is going to be challenging, but I mean, Ruff, R U F. It's an acronym that describes what you're going to need to make it through this. Speaker 1 00:00:36 Okay. Well, okay. Speaker 2 00:00:38 Let's start here. The R is for remorse. What I mean by that is that someone needs to show remorse for what ever led you to this divorce decision, whatever led your marriage to this point, something has gone wrong. Okay. Last time we used the example of Rob eating cheesecake behind windows back. Here we go again. Well, if I don't show any remorse for that, then I'm going to keep doing Speaker 1 00:01:07 It. Yeah, that's true. You know, Speaker 2 00:01:10 And the way you can tell if someone has remorse or not is whether or not they have justifications and reasons why they did what they did. Yeah. I know. I wasn't supposed to eat cheesecake, but you know, you didn't make any for me for over a year. And so what was I going to do? Really? Yeah. Those types of excuses come out. And whenever you add the butt onto that, whenever you add the however, you have started to provide reasons why it was okay for you to do this thing that hurt the entire marriage. And what that also says is that you're willing to do it again, given those same scenarios, given those same issues or things that led to your decision to do what you were not supposed to do. If that happens again, I feel perfectly justified in doing it again. Also in those cases, I'm not showing any remorse. I'm showing justification. I'm justifying my actions, creating rational lies, rationalizing why? Right. Speaker 1 00:02:08 Okay. Okay. So what's the euphoria. Speaker 2 00:02:12 Well, the U is for understanding, Oh, I get it. Okay. So whenever your spouse has done something that really rubs you the wrong way so much that you want to go for divorce, or maybe they did something that made you want to have your own slice of cheesecake. It's very good to step back and look for understanding. Why did my spouse act in that way? Why did I react in that way? You know, there's a, um, a process in psychology called temperament theory. Speaker 1 00:02:50 And what is temperament theory? Speaker 2 00:02:52 Temperament theory, coupled with temperament therapy is whenever you take a look at your God-given. So there are three areas of temperament that we study in this line of psychology. One is inclusion. How do you act and react on a social level? Do you like to be around people? Do you not like to be around people? Do people drain you or do they give you energy? Another is control. Some people are hardwired with God given desires to control others or to be controlled by others. Well, if we understand where we are in that temperament, we can start to understand how our interactions with other people will be adjusted by how they interact with us. If we start to understand how we are wired in terms of control, then we'll understand our interaction with other people a whole lot better. When someone tries to be controlling over us. Speaker 2 00:03:49 Does that rub us the wrong way? Or does that feel as give us a sense of comfort? Do I feel out of control when someone else is making decisions for me or does it give me a sense of comfort that I don't have to make those decisions everybody's wired differently. And then of course in affection, some people love to have that physical touch. Some people love to have words of affirmation, but other people, you know, what, they, they just don't want to be touched like that because it triggers some other reaction in them. And so when you take a look at someone's complete temperament profile, you have a full understanding of that person, and then you can interact with them a whole lot better. Speaker 1 00:04:30 Okay. I understand. So Speaker 2 00:04:32 Do you recall a time when our temperament assessments brought clarity to our relationship, honey? A few times when you wanted to go shopping? Speaker 1 00:04:43 Oh yeah. The shopping area. Oh, incident. Well, yeah. You love shopping. I love shopping. Yes. I do. Speaker 2 00:04:52 Being around people, energizes you and being around people like that, just kind of drains me. And we found that out the hard way. And so I thought that I was coming home to an empty house. I was going to kick back, uh, maybe make a sandwich, watch a little football and you kind of held back. And whenever I got home, you said, you thought, Hey, it's time for us to go shopping. So you said, well, let's just go to one store. I want to look at the look for these bridesmaid dresses at this one store and out of love. I said, okay, I'm going to go with you to this one store. And there we are three malls, five stores later. And you're wondering why I'm not in a particularly good mood. Yes. And at that time, on that day, you thought that I was being difficult and I thought you were being well, somewhat ignorant of my desires. Speaker 2 00:05:50 But the reality is your desire was to socialize. Your inborn need was to socialize in a form of shopping. And my inborn need was, had already been out for most of the day. I needed to decompress and be to myself. Once we came to this realization of, or the differences in our temperaments, we realized it is okay for you to go shopping without me. And you realize that it's actually okay. If I don't want to go, you don't take it personally. You just realize Rob needs his alone time. He needs to decompress and you need to get out. And so once we had that understanding, we realized how to better interact on these in this particular plane of our relationship. Speaker 1 00:06:45 I get it. There's one more left F what's F Speaker 2 00:06:51 F N rough it's faith. You know, whenever you go down the path of saying, let's try to get this to work. You really have perhaps little indication that your efforts are going to pan out. You know, faith is the very definition of faith is believing in something that you cannot see. You cannot perhaps see the results of a fixed and wholesome marriage. Again, all you see right now is the strife that's going on. All you see right now is distress. All you see right now is the stuff that's weighing you down on a daily basis. Yes. But what if, what if you can get back to where you used to be, even though it's very difficult to see that at this point, now taking the steps to reconcile your marriage, taking these steps, to pass things, amend things, and get things, not just fixed, but stronger. Speaker 2 00:07:47 That takes a lot of faith. And this is going to be times when you think that your efforts are, are worthless, that your efforts just are not working, but then that's when you need the most faith. Yeah. Go back to part one of this series and continue to review those three gut checks to make sure that this is something that is still going to be a viable resolution. But as you move forward with showing remorse, making sure that you show remorse, express your remorse to your spouse for any wrongdoings that you, that you had acknowledged your role in whatever happened. I mean, yeah, it was my fault that I, the cheesecake, but what if my wife said, you know what? I could have made you some cheesecake too. I'm somewhat remorseful that I didn't give you that, that dessert whenever I had the chance, no, there's a few songs out there about taking your wife dancing. Speaker 2 00:08:45 I could have taken her dancing when she was my wife that doesn't give her the right to go off and dance with other guys because I wouldn't take her dancing. But if I had taken her, maybe she would not have felt the urge to do so. I can be remorseful. It's not, it's not on me that she cheated by going to dance halls without me, but I can own my part and be remorseful for it. If you see in your spouse that they're not remorseful for what they did, then that's an indicator too. You don't want to fight this battle alone, but you also don't want to give up sooner than it's been it's prudent to do so. So the whole point of the five steps to find true love online course is to minimize or eliminate, hopefully eliminate the threat of divorce in your relationship. So yes, this heartbreak is avoidable. You see, man and woman were not meant to be alone. Speaker 1 00:09:42 That's right. And the hope in Henley module is the perfect place to start after a divorce or a serious heartbreak. Speaker 2 00:09:50 Check it [email protected] Now we do not encourage divorce, but we do recognize that God can use this bad situation for good in your life. Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect. Respectfully, we ask you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you'd really like some detailed guidance on how to find and confirm true love, come and visit [email protected] That's www.stepstofindtruelove.com blessings to you.