Episode Transcript (beta)
Meet at a Coffee Shop?!
Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce
Winona 00:00:03 Welcome back. This is Winona and today, we have a debate about first dates.
Rob 00:00:09 Yeah. She thinks the guy should wine and dine her and work to impress her right out of the gate.
Winona 00:00:17 And he believes in going cheap. And now wait a minute, I don't think that you would have gotten me that way, honey.
Rob 00:00:25 Okay. So what do you think a first meetup should be?
Winona 00:00:30 A chance to meet the person? Yes. Doesn't necessarily have to be in a coffee shop. You could have something light like an appetizer that way you can get a chance to talk to the person a little bit.
Rob 00:00:46 I see. So we might be looking at things a little differently. See, I'm thinking about online dating and in online dating, you have seen a few pictures, maybe, maybe more than just one. You've exchanged a few chats. And to me that first meetup is not a date it's to help you see if the two of you want to actually date each other.
Winona 00:01:13 Yeah. I do think there needs to be somewhat of the first date because you do need to get a chance to see them, I mean, you've seen the picture and you know, but you get a chance to actually see the person. I mean, yeah. Sometimes it may look a little different from their photograph. Yeah. And these are telling me might actually look the same, but if you have a chance, like I said, to sit down and have something, you know, a light order, an appetizer something, you still get a chance to talk to that person.
Rob 00:01:51 Okay. So I'm picturing a scenario where you say, Hey, let's sit down in this restaurant and let's have this appetizer, Oh, can I have a glass of wine? What they have on the entree tonight? Is one or the other, supposed to say "hey, timeout? No, we're not doing entrees. Just appetizers because this is a meetup." Or does it just roll into a full blown date?And what is so appealing to you about the appetizer scenario? Well, why, why, why, why is that important?
Winona 00:02:25 I think that is important to do that because you want to be able to, you have communicated with that person yes. On line. But you also, now that you would, in person, you are having a chance to really have a chance to talk to the person about different things that you, might've not just wanted to put online. I don't know. Why are you so sold on coffee shops though?
Rob 00:02:52 Well, you're right. It is somewhat noncommittal. And that's part of the reason because, um, you could meet someone who's excited, seemed great online. And within the first few minutes, realize I'm wasting their time and they're wasting mine. This is not supposed to happen. We talked about Olivia and being taken to a five star restaurant. And at the end of this great meal, the guy just bails on her and she's stuck with this huge check.
Winona 00:03:26 Okay. So with that, that's why I said you can get something light, like an appetizer or something like that. Not going into a full room view. I mean, even though you might be in conversations, you know, appetizer, maybe a dessert, if it gets, you know, that you're really interested in that person, if it doesn't make it to the dessert, then that's when
Rob 00:03:49 Yeah. Good. That's the indicator. Right?! Instead of using the kiss at the end of the day as an indicator, the indicator is whether or not you get to dessert. Exactly. I can see that. I could see that, but I don't know. It just seems to me, I've just been in that scenario before. And we'll probably talk about that a little bit later in this episode, but you know, I don't mind going to get appetizers or drinks or even a meal after I met you at least once. But if I'm sitting there and I know, when we've ordered appetizers and I realized, this is really bothering me, you have views, you have perspectives, you have opinions that rubbed me the wrong way. So bad that I do not even want to wait for the check. It's time to go.
Winona 00:04:45 So that is the case you just so that the person knows, well, you know, I understand that we really connected online, but I feel like we're not connecting in person. So you just kind of let the person down with you and it's okay to let you down, a person has to have when you're dating, right. That, or you are, even if you have your say your first meet up date, you know, it's just not working . Rob 00:05:19 Well, here's the thing. And I said, I'd mentioned this a little bit later in the episode and we're just, we're just careening towards this topic right now. Oh my goodness. So I did this coffee shop approach. Actually, I've done this a few times whenever I was in my singleness, trying to find you in fact, and I remember this one in particular, we exchanged some chats and even talked on the phone. We went to the coffee shop and we sat down and she was somewhat attractive, but didn't really present herself very well. And I thought, well, she just had a rough day. And then as the conversation continued, I found out that she had four children from three different fathers. One of them was in prison and I just started seeing this picture in my head of what she's looking for. And before too long, she flat out said I'm ready to get married.
Winona 00:06:30 So that would definitely have you run away. But yeah, that, that was a, that's a lot to unpack. Um, I mean that's when you would kindly let the person out. Okay. So, you know, can you finish your coffee? And then you go,
Rob 00:06:51 Yes. And so I'm trying to take advantage of that opportunity to say, well, you know what, um, here's what my lifestyle looks like... I'm probably going to be moving out of state sometime soon, which actually I was. My job was looking at having me commute between here and another city. So I, that didn't pan out. But at the time it looked like my job was going to have me...
Winona 00:07:19 So you didn't lie.
Rob 00:07:22 I told her the truth, but at the same time, I didn't want, did not want to lead her on saying, this looks really good to me. And so after giving, providing a number of objections and saying, well, I do need to get going to my next appointment, which I did. I did have another, it wasn't another date. It was another meeting, an obligation that I had that you've made.
Winona 00:07:47 So that that's, that's good because you basically gently letting that person down. I say, you know what, he's just not working out with you and I'm me. So, I mean, if you had another meeting, that was perfect. So yeah. So, how realistic is that?
Rob 00:08:13 Well, I'd have to say that is the only time that happened to me. Um, there were times when I had met someone who I thought they were, they were nice, they were cool. Um, I enjoyed spending time with them, but I also recognize that they're not, we didn't have the chemistry that we needed for a, for a relationship. Um, and that was easy to just kind of say, Hey, while we had this coffee together and enjoy talking to you, and we both ended with an understanding that there was not going to be another phone call or anything after that. Um, if there ever is in question, I would follow it up with, Hey, I really enjoyed talking with you. Um, good luck in your endeavors. I wish you well.
Winona 00:09:06 That's good. That's what you could have kind of hurt because some, somebody, so I see your point, but why didn't you do that with me?
Rob 00:09:17 Hmm. Wow. You had gone ask me that question. Well, as you know, with you, our first date was, going out for sushi.
Winona 00:09:31 Which was a light appetizer.
Rob 00:09:34 Yeah. But that was a lot more committal than I would have preferred. So I guess the reason why I, I, I went that far with you and this is going to sound bad, but I felt like I had vetted your heart. Conversations that we had over the phone, things that you said to me over the phone and in our chat messages, they aligned with what was in your profile. So I really got the sense that you were sincere and everything that you were saying, you left no room for doubt. You left no room for ambiguity. You were very clear about the things that you wanted, crystal clear and things that you wouldn't would not do. Exactly. And with that in mind, I felt like, you know what? I'm dealing with a real person here, a real woman. Yes. A real woman. But you know, there are a lot of real women out there who will, how should I put this kindly? Um, they can mess you over.
Winona 00:10:46 So let me, let me stop for a second. So, that person is technically not real woman. A real woman's going to give you everything that I gave to you that I put in my profile. And then I also showed you... continue.
Rob 00:11:03 Okay. Okay. Can you share, I guess people have different definitions of what a real woman is. Um, the young lady that I told you about, she said I'm ready to be married. She was very adamant, very clear about that. She said, she actually flat out, said, "I know how to please my man." And that was a huge turnoff because she didn't want me,
Winona: but you don't want to want me to please you.
Rob: I do, but I want her to know what I like. I want her to know what's on my heart before she makes statements like that. I'm just a piece of wood. I wouldn't feel like that she was interested in the person. Um, she was more interested in having the husband as opposed to having me as the husband. Does that make sense? YOU SEE, ONE OF THE TOUGHEST ISSUES AT THE START OF DATING IS GETTING TOO INVESTED TOO EARLY. We tend to become infatuated before knowing the substance of the person that we're dating. Now, that's not a bad thing to develop a deep attraction to someone when you first meet them, but let that attraction be based on what comes from their insight, what comes from their heart. Now, sometimes you got to strip away all the distractions like appetizers, especially alcohol, and fancy dining. And sometimes you got to strip all of those distractions away. So you can truly hear the person sitting across the table from you.
Rob 00:12:42 Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect respectfully. We asked you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you really like some detailed guidance on how to find them confirm true love, come and visit us at StepsToFindTrueLove.com. That's www.StepsToFindTrueLove.com blessings to you.