Episode Transcript (beta)

Reconciling after Divorce

Dating, Find True Love, Relationships, Online Dating, Divorce

Whether your divorce was messy or a breeze, it's time to regroup and evaluate before you move forward. This episode does not encourage or discourage reconciliation; we simply give you some things to think about... some insight to help you make the best decision for the right reasons.

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RECONCILING AFTER DIVORCE
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Hello. We are the promise of love bringing to you the love effect, a podcast that brings you real insight and real stories about real relationships. Speaker 1 00:00:12 It's not impossible. I've heard about this happening before Speaker 2 00:00:15 Reconciling with your ex after divorce, has it even possible? And why would you want to do that? Speaker 1 00:00:21 Well, first let's take a look at what it means to reconcile and then why, and then how so you see reconciling with your ex, it could be an, it could mean a number of different things and one of those, well, you know what, at first, most people will think about getting back together with your ex and remarrying, that is one form of reconciling. And I've seen that happen before. Yeah, I have to. I don't see it very often now, but it is possible. It is possible. Now another form of reconciling is just being friendly to each other. And whenever I say that, whenever I say being friendly to each other, that means being proactive about doing nice things. Okay. When you see a friend about to go in the wrong direction, you help that friend out. Sure. Why not? Whatever a friend needs help you help that friend out. Speaker 1 00:01:14 Yes. And even if that a friend is going to need help, that they don't see yet you come and help out the friend. Okay. Now sometimes as ex-spouses, we kind of like to sit back and watch them fail and take some sort of enjoyment enjoyment over that. Yeah. And that's not right. No, but it's natural. Yeah. But it's not right. It's not right. But what if, what if you could elevate yourself above that and always take the high road and help your ex because that's the right thing to do. That's the right thing to do. And I'm not necessarily saying go overboard. I think if you have the two of you have decided to, uh, live separate life and lives and be independent of each other, then there should be a clean break in those dependencies. But that does not mean that you have to stop being friendly to your ex. Speaker 1 00:02:15 And then the third one, I have seen this very rarely, but it is possible the extended family concept. What is that? So I actually had a, um, had a client once who she had remarried, her ex husband had remarried and the two extended families would actually get together for holidays. They would have Thanksgiving together then have barbecues together in the summer for like 4th of July or what have you and everybody got along. That's good. That's great. Yeah. And that is a form of reconciliation. It is possible to get there. And so the question becomes what form of reconciliation one would you like and to what's possible. So there are the D what, there is the, what is reconciliation question right there. So why, Speaker 2 00:03:13 Yeah. Why, why reconcile? Why get back together? Speaker 1 00:03:17 And that's really the one I'm going to key in, on the other two being friendly, the extended family, which is another form of being friendly, you know, just to have good relations with your ex sets you on another level. And it's, it's really the right thing to do. If the two of you are both of you, it takes petroleum on both sides to do that. But here we are going to focus on what would it be like to get back together? Well, Y you might have to ask yourself, was it an emotional breakup? If it wasn't emotional breakup, then you might have to ask yourself, did you break up? Did you divorce for the right reasons? Okay. I mean, there are times when your spouse is really going to hurt you, VAX you, and that pain is emotional. And sometimes you go down the slippery slope of hurting each other emotionally until you land on divorce. And you wonder, what are we really fighting about Wallace? Because he did that or because she did this. But if you removed that incident that made everything come crumbling down. If you remove that incident, was it a good marriage? And if it was, maybe there's a reason to reconcile and get back to that beautiful marriage. That once was another thing to ask yourself, is, was it a clean break? In other words, did you divorce for God recognized? Speaker 2 00:04:45 And one of the guys recognize reasons. Well, Speaker 1 00:04:48 There are two things in one case, if you divorce because of sexual immorality and we recognize it as infidelity, okay. Uh, if you have divorced for that, God recognizes the divorce. And that is in scripture. If you divorce for any reason, other than sexual immorality, then assuredly, you commit adultery when you marry somebody else. Okay? And whenever you commit adultery, you actually cause someone else, the person that you were in relation with to commit adultery as well. So if you ever want to be true to your next love interest spouse, you owe it to them to make sure that your first marriage was closed out cleanly. Another way is if you are abandoned by a nonbeliever, okay. And abandoned, doesn't just mean, uh, physically leaving the scripture actually boils down to if your non-believing spouse tore apart, your marriage. If they have left the marriage where the physically, emotionally, spiritually, then you are not bound by that marriage. Speaker 1 00:05:57 Now, if one of those two things didn't happen. A lot of times, people will just say we had irreconcilable differences. That's the old term. These days, they say the marriage was unsupportive. And literally that goes down as a legal explanation as to why this marriage didn't work. Really, it really truly. And just because this couple didn't like each other, they fell out of love. They didn't want to work with each other anymore. That becomes a valid reason for our court system to accept the dissolution of the marriage. But God may not recognize what you did. And so if that's important to you, then you owe to your next love interest to make sure that your first marriage was closed out perfectly. Speaker 2 00:06:42 And, uh, three that's a complete break. What does that mean? Well, complete break. Speaker 1 00:06:48 As opposed to a clean break, a complete break is asking, have you severed your soul tie with your spouse? Now, most people will see soul ties as forming because of a sexual intercourse between two people. But I say, in fact, I know I've seen, I've experienced soul ties, forming over emotional closeness. I got very emotionally close to this one person. And even if we've never had sex, I feel the soul tie with them. I feel this love this bond that is not severed by time or distance. So if you have a soul tie with your spouse, which you probably do, you do need to go through a process of severing that soul tie. So they're not still on your mind and in your heart whenever you're with your next love interest, your next spouse. Now I will say this sometimes the trauma of the divorce process, or even the, the events leading up to divorce. Sometimes that trauma is enough to sever a soul tie. I have to say that most assuredly, because, well, just from experience, let's say that, but if that has not happened, there are some steps that you can go through that we do outline and the five steps to find true love. There are steps that you can go through to sever the soul tie with an ex girlfriend, an ex boyfriend, an ex spouse, so that you are spiritually free to pursue true love in the days, months, years to follow. Speaker 2 00:08:23 Oh, that sounds wonderful, honey. So if you're listening out there, you need to go. Speaker 1 00:08:27 Absolutely. So then you might ask if I've decided that I do want to get back together with my spouse. And I looked at the reasons why, and I say, you know what? I can understand why this is not just a, I'm not just doing it because they appear to be low hanging fruit. Sometimes your ex appears to be accessible and easy, and all of a sudden you're feeling lonely. And so you want to get back together with your, with your ex for the mere reason that Speaker 2 00:08:53 They're available. So you went over the what and you went over the why. So now it's the how, wow, Speaker 1 00:09:01 Well, this goes back to, first of all, it goes back to swallowing your pride and apologizing, you know, which can be very difficult. It can be very difficult because whenever you get to that point of divorce, you want to feel justified in the decision. And while you may feel justified that validation that you're giving yourself, maybe unsupportive of reconciling. And if you had a good thing, except for this incident, except for this one issue, if it's, if it is something that can be worked through your pride could be the only thing in the way of making that happen. So consider if you can swell on your pride, push that down, that'd be the biggest show of love that you could, that you could bring to the table. And then you got to take ownership of your contribution to how things went. And even if they're the ones that did wrong, if you can go back and say, I can see how I contributed to that, I can see how I was a factor. Speaker 1 00:10:02 Maybe even just a catalyst, what happened? It does not give them a pass or what they did. You're never, ever, ever justifying what they did. But you can say that I understand my role in the process, because if you can understand your role in the process, then you to have a really good shot at not repeating that process of not repeating that incident. Now, of course, as dependent on the other person as well. I'm just because you're willing to stay out of troubled waters to stay out of the danger zone. If you will, they have to be willing as well. Speaker 2 00:10:44 So it has to be a two way street, not just one way. Definitely definitely understood. Speaker 1 00:10:49 And the third thing that you gotta do on this is pray, Oh, you got to pray fervently. You got to pray hard. You're not going to be able to do this alone. There's going to have to be some divine help. That's the best there is. And sometimes we want to say, sometimes we feel so embarrassed because God, I know you don't like divorce and I divorced. And so why would you help me with God's forgiveness of, towards us? His grace towards us is more than we can understand. But sometimes it takes that step towards him to receive that grace from him. It's not that we're having to earn his grace, but it's just showing that we want his grace. And if we can do that, if you can do that, then you will not be condemned for the divorce decision. In fact, bouncing back from that could be a path to a greater relationship with him than ever before. Speaker 1 00:11:47 That's wonderful, but you gotta be careful though. You gotta be careful that you do endorse your ex spouse's wrongdoings. If your ex did something that was completely heinous, your average to reconcile could they could endorse what they did as acceptable. Let's say, for example, let's say he was physically abusive and you got out of that marriage because you were getting hurt and you feared for your life. Yeah. And then you remove yourself from the marriage. You go through a process of healing and you look at the love that you had before the abuse started. And you say to yourself, I want to reconcile, depending on how you go back, it could be a justification to your ex-husband that yeah, she, she actually liked that abuse. She actually liked the way I was treating her. She said, she's coming back. She's showing me that it was okay. And that she's ready for more. It could be interpreted that way. So you have to be very careful about how you return, right? Speaker 2 00:12:55 Yes. And that person needs to be healed. But also Speaker 1 00:12:58 Yes, they do. On the flip side, let's say she was cheating a lot. And he divorces her because of her infidelity. And then after some healing, he comes back and says, while we were part, I realized that I really love you. And I forgive you. And I want to come back. I want us to work this out. That if it's not done with the utmost care, it could come across as, you know what, it doesn't matter who you sleep with. As long as you're married to me, I'm okay with that. She could take that as a pass as to, well, okay. I can walk all over him like that. So both men and women can behave this way. We just have to be very careful about the message that you bring. Whenever you seek reconciliation, what you did was not okay, is not acceptable. How I reacted to it was not okay, is not acceptable. Speaker 1 00:13:55 But if we can put those things behind us and make sure that we don't do things like that, again, maybe even take some precautions, some accountability to ensure that these things do not happen again. I think we're better together than we are apart, but can you get there? That's a big question. Huge. So while you are single again, you should take a moment to regroup. Now don't reconcile for the reason that your ex is familiar and attainable, go through the hope and healing module of the five steps to find true love online course, and then study steps one and two. Speaker 2 00:14:35 Then if you decide to reconcile, you know, you'll be doing it for the right reasons. Speaker 1 00:14:41 So check it [email protected] Speaker 2 00:14:47 We do not encourage or discouraged reconciliation, but we do suggest that you consider the points in this podcast to help you decide what to do at this point. Both paths going back and going forward are going to be an uphill climb. Make sure you're making that climb for the right reasons. Speaker 1 00:15:14 Hey, thanks for tuning into the love effect. Respectfully, we ask you to hit that subscribe button to help us keep this going. And if you really like some detailed guidance on how to find them confirm true love, come and visit [email protected] That's www.stepstofindtruelove.com blessings to you.